Untitled Ridiculousness

by dossier

Notes & Warnings

It was spring, just past the Ides of April. The chill in the evening air was bracing and the crescent moon hung log over the misty pavement on Grub Street.

Not all Slash Grubs lived on Grub Street. Some Slash Grubs were the aristocracy of the species, and lived in high fairy towers of spidersilk and paper maché. They were usually the ones that metamorphosed into the Slash Queens and Princesses; the Slash Grubs that lived on Grub Street were the everyday working Grubs. It was a hard row to hoe for them. Eeking out their grubby little existences; working on whatever grubby little story that happened to pass their way on Grub Street.

It wasn't fair; most of the good Stories knew the Post Road was the street that Fairy Tower was on, and they took the high road to the Slash Queen and her Princess Slash Grubs, avoiding Grub Street altogether.

Occasionally a story would get tired or loose its way (or get curious and go slumming), and find its way into the warrens and burrows of the Slash Grub District of the city. The District was also home to the best clubs and leather shops, too.

The eager claws and pincers of the lowly Slash Grubs would seize the lost (or slumming) Story and lead it down the Primrose Path.

They would lovingly feed and care for the Story, repair its missing prepositions, commas; polishing, nudging and tweaking the Story until it was as good as new. Rested and refreshed, the grubs would lead the Story back to the Post Road, where it would continue on its way to the Queen for approval and commission.

One day, a particularly weary Story was picked up and cared for by a young Grub. She spent hours and days buffing, puffing and fluffing the tired Story. They grew to know and love one another, until the Story knew that he could not bear to be parted from his new Love.

But, the time grew near for the Story to make its way to the Post Road, and head towards the Slash Queens' Fairy Castle. As the day drew nigh, his resolve was firmed, and his decision made.

The time came, and the young grub walked to the junction of the Post Road with the Story she had come to know and love so much. The Story knew that he could never leave his Grub, but he also knew he had a destiny to fulfill and he must go onto the Slash Queens' Fairy Castle.

"Please come with me my darling!!" The Story exclaimed.

"Oh, no-I can't! it's most improper and I haven't packed a thing to wear!!"

"Posh & Bother, I care not!! I'll be the Best Story that ever was thanks to you. I'm so proud, and I cannot bear to leave you behind!!"

The young Grub knew then the Story wouldn't go without her, but it was also a moral imperative that the Story go meet its destiny, and bask in the spotlight of the Slash Queens' approval.

So, the Story took his Slash Grubs' pincer in paragraph and led her down the Primrose Path to the Post Road towards the Slash Queens' Fairy Castle, where the Slash Queen lived with all her Slash Princesses.

The shiny, white Grub was unused to the sunlight, and got a lot of stares, and not a few snickers of sarcasm as she inched her way down the Post Road. She couldn't hold her head up high and still crawl along, but despite that she managed to convey the appearance of such.

At last, the Unlikely Pair arrived at the Slash Queens' Fairy Castle, and Cerebus (California Surfer Version), who was set to guard the gate challenged them.

"Yo, Whazzup?"

The Story drew itself up to its full 120K and announced, "I am the Story that lost its way. The beauteous Slash Grub you see here next to me saved me. I insist that you admit us immediately!!" The Story passed its credentials over to Cerebus. Cerebus looked askance at the Unlikely Pair as he scanned the documents. "No shit, Dude." He paused as he looked at them again, and picked up the radiotelephone they'd found mostly melted in an elevator shaft.

"Hey, Trixie, babe-I got a Story out here. Yeah, right." The Unlikely Pair heard some squawking from the radiotelephone. "Uh huh. It's like this-- it brought its Grub with it. " More squawking. "Would I lie to you? Okay maybe I would, but it was just that once. But I'm not kidding this time." More buzzing from the radiotelephone. "Righto- hang on."

Cerebus fed the proffered passport into the USB port, set down the slightly twisted radiotelephone, and told the Story and his Grub to "chill, Trixie's checking it out, Dude."

They stood uncomfortably shifting back and forth while they awaited the word from the mysterious Trixie.

Finally the radiotelephone rang, and the mysterious Trixie told Cerebus that the Slash Queen had given the Unlikely Pair the by-your-leave to 'come on down'.

The two of them followed the streaming crowds to the auditorium and the usher in the red plaid vest showed them to their seats. Soon, the show was beginning, and the house lights went down, and the nuclear powered Bob Barker simulacrum booted up.

"Laydees and Gennelman, welcome to the Slash Queens' Fairy Castle, and the annual Spring Parade of Slash! Just a quick announcement, this is the last year that M/K will be accepted as an open category, by next spring it'll be moved to the Dead Fandom category." There were wails and sniffles from the audience, but as in everything, life moves on, and so did the Show, and our tale.

The parade came and went, but the plucky Story and his Grub were left uncalled, and bereft. They sat alone in the auditorium, after all the other Stories had found their audience, and moved into their fandom. The young Slash Grub was crying quietly, her pearly tears of milk streaming down her face. The Story patted her shiny, white head, feeling very very badly that no one had loved him enough to say so.

Hark! A soft papery rustle filled the hush of the auditorium, and a sweet white light bathed the desolate couple.

It was the Slash Queen herself, come to see the remarkable Story that had so loved his Grub, he'd brought her with him. The Slash Queen gazed down on them, her kind countenance raising their glum spirits. She reached down and laid a petal soft wing on the sad young Grub.

Immediately the tumescent corpulence of the young Slash Grub split open and the putrescent slime oozed away, leaving a wet disgusting black thing.

The story looked away in horror, he had never seen such a display before, as he was yet young, and innocent in the ways of the world. The Slash Queen reassured the Story that all was well, and where there was now a malformed bug, soon the transmogrification would be complete, and his Grub would soon be a beautiful Slash Princess.

The Story was overjoyed; he had loved his Grub just the way she was, but he was ever so glad that she was going to be a True Princess of Slash. The Story was given his place in the Slash Queen's Personal Archive, and they lived happily ever after.


Thank God. The end

Main Entry Grub Street
Function noun
Etymology Grub Street, London, formerly inhabited by literary hacks
Date 1630 the world or category of needy literary hacks


Fandom: BWAH!!!

Category/Rated: Rating S for 'Silly' and H for 'Huh?'

Year/Length: Why yes, it was April, 2001--why do you ask? / ~1200 words (how did *that* happen?)

Pairing: *snorfle*

Spoilers: R U kidding me?

Disclaimer: No Allegory, Satire or Commentary intended; consume only for purposes of Amusement

Warning: May cause eyes to spontaneously bleed.

Summary: Slash grubs, are sometimes the larval form of Furry White Alien Queens, or the pupae of Slash Princesses, prior to their transformation into Slash Queens. Not to be confused with Slash Scullery Maids, who rarely have anything more than dishpan hands (pincers?)

Series: see Spoilers.

Author's Notes: This is what happens when I'm forced to wait around in airports too long, too early. I tried to resist, but spell check was run...

Beta: see Spoilers. No one but me is guilty in the perpetration of this travesty, except for some collusion and encouragement and you know who you are.

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