Rated: PG-13 for Humans, Adult only for Ferengi
Pairing: Deep Space 9 meets Iron Chef America
Spoilers: none
Warning: Please do not read if you are offended by Ferengi Adult Material
Summary: Quark takes his brother and nephew to appear on Iron Chef America
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine and I should probably be flogged for using them in this way.
Author's notes: With help from dossier & kodiak_bear
Category: Humor
*-*-*
"Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to Kitchen Stadium. My name is Alton Brown and this is Iron Chef America. Today we welcome a challenger who will pit his skills against the best America has to offer in an attempt to achieve that greatest of culinary titles, Iron Chef. But first I would like to introduce the man responsible for Kitchen Stadium, the Chairman himself!"
"Thank you Alton. Tonight it is with great pleasure that we bring you a challenger from the furthest reaches of known space. We are happy to present the most accomplished chef of Ferengi cuisine, from the Space Station above the planet of Bajor, Chef Quark! Chef Quark, welcome to Kitchen Stadium."
"From the mighty race of the Ferengi, who turn away from NO challenge, I thank you, Chairman."
"Will you be showing us the techniques and presentations that make Ferengi meals unique to themselves in the universe?"
"Yes, Chairman. I intend to win this competition with interpretive cooking skills and imagination. In accordance with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition I will take away one of your Iron Chefs in the process."
"Which rule is that Chef Quark?"
"Chairman, it's a recently approved rule that says when I win, I get to keep the Iron Chef that I defeat in battle."
"An interesting challenge indeed, Chef Quark, and also a most unusual interpretation of the rules. To which Iron Chef would you present this challenge?"
"Chairman, I challenge Iron Chef Cat Cora!"
"An excellent choice, Chef Quark. Iron Chef Cora, do you accept this challenge?"
"Yes, Chairman. I accept the challenge."
"Very well! But there is one more ingredient to this battle. The SECRET ingredient. The theme with which each of our chef's will tempt us in their own succulent variations. And now, tonight's secret ingredient is… PIG!"
"I am Alton Brown, and as you can see the table for the secret ingredient is filled with roasts, chops, bacon, steaks and even several whole baby pigs. Battle Pig is about to be joined here in Kitchen Stadium. But first, let us go back to the Chairman!"
"So America, with an open heart and an empty stomach, I say unto you in the words of my uncle, Allez Cuisine!"
"And with those words Battle Pig is joined here in Kitchen Stadium! Let's go now to floor reporter Kevin Brauch to see how this battle is going to shape up. Kevin?"
"Thank you, Alton. Iron Chef Cat Cora has quickly taken a large platter of sow's ears. Not the first part of the pig that I would have thought to make a dish out of, but she obviously has something in mind for them. And now her two assistants are reaching for… Oh MY! This is unprecedented!"
"This IS unprecedented Kevin! It appears that one of Chef Quark's assistants is keeping the Iron Chef and her people away from the table full of the secret ingredient. Can you get a microphone over to Chef Quark?"
"Yes, I can. Let's hear what he is telling his other assistant."
"Remember the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, you fool! Grab everything!"
"But brother, we don't even know how to cook this kind of food, what are we going to do with it all?"
"You idiot. If she has nothing to cook with then she can't win! All we have to do is present five dishes of different raw meat. Keep grabbing!"
"Well, Kevin. We've never seen tactic here in Kitchen Stadium, but as I look at the Chairman he seems to be nodding his head in approval. He doesn't appear to be surprised at all!"
"And Iron Chef Cora appears undismayed as well. As you can see Alton, she is huddled with her two assistants and appears to be giving them very specific instructions."
"Yes, she seems to have a plan. Chef Quark and his assistants appear to be confused by the secret ingredient however. They seem to be peering at it closely and… is one of them smelling that ham hock, Kevin?"
"They do appear to be a bit confused, Alton. But I'm sure Chef Quark will quickly rally to the situation. And it appears that Iron Chef Cora has sent her assistants over to the ice machine."
"Thank you, Kevin. I want to remind our audience that we have a SPECIAL celebrity judge to meet today. Morn has joined us for Battle Pig and I'm sure our audience knows his reputation as a chef. I had a chance to talk to him before the show and his knowledge of interspecies cuisine is simply amazing. We can't wait to hear what he has to say about this competition later. But now, back to Kitchen Stadium with Kevin."
"Things are getting busier on the floor here Alton! On the Iron Chef side of the stadium several 5-gallon buckets of ice water have been prepared. I can't imagine what these are for but all Iron Chef Cora does is smile when asked about her recipe. On the challengers side Sous Chef Nog has got several burners going and appears to be frying a large amount of bacon. Let's see if we can talk to him now. Sous Chef Nog, can you tell us what this large amount of bacon is for?"
"Soup."
"Soup?"
"Yes, Soup."
"Well, now. Bacon soup is certainly an unusual choice for this competition. But apparently Chef Quark has some very original ideas. Alton, can you see what the Iron Chef has going over on her side of Kitchen Stadium?"
"Kevin, the Iron Chef has picked out several of the largest sow's ears and has laid them out on the table closest to the challenger's side. She has put them in nice neat rows and is busy going through the spice cabinet. Kevin, can you go over and see which spices she is using?"
"I'm heading over there right now, Alton. My, those certainly ARE the largest… Chef Cora, can you tell us which spices you are planning on using? I'm seeing dill weed, garlic, red pepper flakes, and oregano here."
"It doesn't matter, Kevin."
"It doesn't matter what spices you use? I can't believe I'm hearing this from an Iron Chef!"
"The spices aren't nearly as important as the technique. Just watch closely. Do you see the large rim of fat here around the ridges of the ear?"
"Yes."
"And down here the layer where both sides of the ear come together?"
"Yes."
"They require two different techniques for integrating the spices."
"This is fascinating Chef Cora, thank you and of course we will be watching closely to see how this dish is prepared. And Alton I can see that the Iron Chef's comments have caught the attention of the challengers."
"Yes, Kevin, it appears that Chef Quark and Sous Chef Rom are watching Iron Chef Cora to see what she does with those sow's ears. And Sous Chef Nog is quickly putting some of the now fried bacon into boiling water."
"Alton, over on the Iron Chef side of the kitchen Chef Cora has covered her hands with olive oil and is busy rubbing spices into the fatty rims of the sows ears. Look at how she is using her thumbs to gently but firmly press into the ridges of the ears. I'm sure this is infusing those spices right where she wants them to go."
"She certainly is Kevin, but it's not just her thumbs. Her other fingers are almost caressing the backs of the ears as she infuses spices all through this piece of meat!"
"She certainly has the attention of all the chef's on the challengers side now, Alton. It's just amazing how quickly her hands go from ear to ear to ear as she works quickly and thoroughly over each one that is in front of her."
"OH MY, Kevin! Did I really just see what happened?"
"Yes, Alton, Sous Chef Rom has apparently fainted! And neither of the chef's on the challengers side seem interested in helping him. They are still watching Iron Chef Cora… Is she? Is she TICKLING the pepper into the inside of those ears?"
"It appears so, Kevin, and what is the reaction to that on the challengers side?"
"Well, Alton, both Chef Quark and Sous Chef Nog are apparently having trouble breathing. They are both removing their chef's hats in obvious respect for Iron Chef Cora's skills."
"And on the Iron Chef side Cat Cora's assistants are getting two of the buckets of ice water… AND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE CHALLENGER? IS HE TAKING OFF HIS APRON?"
"Yes, Alton, both chefs have removed their aprons. I do believe that they have surrendered Battle Pig to Iron Chef Cora! They have removed their aprons and now they are removing their… oh my… OH MY! STOP THE CAMERA'S"
"Stop the Cameras!!!"
*-*-*
"Three… Two… One…"
"And we're back to interview Iron Chef Cat Cora after her victory over Chef Quark in Battle Pig. How do you feel about this victory, Iron Chef?"
"I feel very good about winning this competition, Alton! This is a victory for female chefs who have to deal with pigs everywhere."
"I noticed your assistants were very quick to get to the challengers side of the kitchen with those buckets of ice water. Did you KNOW that you were going to need those?"
"That was just a hunch on my part Alton, just a wild guess…"
"And excellent intuition it was, Iron Chef. Bidding you adieu from Kitchen Stadium, I'm Alton Brown, wishing you good luck and good eating!"
*-*-*